Reflecting (lame title, i know)

Ok, so I'm slightly bummed today. (Yes, I used the word "bummed".) I got my dad's tools and paper work from his employer today. It's starting to sink in more and more that he's gone. To be completely honest, I wasn't quite sure how to feel about the whole thing. I was SO close to my dad when I was younger. Daddy's girl completely described me. So, it was incredibly confusing when I didn't speak to him or see him for so many years. I've come to terms with the fact that some people aren't really cut out to be parents and they can only do so much. I don't blame him.....really, I don't. I can't imagine how my life would be different if I had chosen to stay with him instead of my mom when they got divorced and I really can't imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed with him instead of moving to North Carolina. But it still hurts that we didn't have a better relationship and we spent so much time apart. I hate the fact that he never met my husband, he'll never meet his grandchildren someday.....that he didn't get to see me as an adult. The one thing that gives me comfort is thinking of our last conversation when he apologized for not being a good dad and not always being there when I needed him. While it may be true that he probably wouldn't have won any "World's Greatest Dad" awards, he was still my dad. It's still his attitude that I have and his eyes I see when I look in the mirror. I just hope that losing him helps me to treasure the other relationships that I have and to make the most out of them. Ok, enough self pity for awhile. Later All!!